Forgiveness: Beginning Again in Love

heatherreba

Sep 27

8 min read

Sermon: September 20, 2026 . Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of San Dieguito

Forgiveness is one of those topics that sounds great in theory, although it can feel nearly impossible in practice. We all define it differently and most likely believe that different things have to be in place before forgiveness can be achieved.

Does the betrayer have to be held accountable?

Does justice have to prevail? What does that justice look like?

Does the betrayer need to understand or feel the anger or despair of the betrayed?

Does the betrayer need to embrace empathy for the feelings of those who were hurt?

Does there need to be an apology offered?

Does the apology need to be received and accepted?

All of these questions frame forgiveness as a transactional act that takes place between two parties. It references the relationship one has with the other. However, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Whether you have been betrayed or whether you have harmed someone else, the only forgiveness that is needed to enable healing is that which is granted from you to yourself.

When someone betrays you, often it feels as though something has been stolen from you. Sometimes it’s something physical, you could have been robbed or you could have lost an actual loved one due to someone else’s actions. For example, if you are going through a custody battle during a divorce, you might feel that your spouse has taken your children away from you. In these kinds of betrayals, something may have been literally taken away, something that you cannot replace. More often than not, what was taken away was metaphorical. For example, if you were physically attacked, and your body has healed, what might have been stolen from you is your sense of autonomy or safety. If someone has lied about your behavior, it may feel as though your reputation has been stolen. And our misguided human nature tells us that the person who betrayed us somehow has the power to restore those lost things. Often, however, they don’t. And so once these precious physical or emotional items are taken away from us, all we are left with are our negative emotions. We are left holding our own anger, grief, sadness, or fear.

And I have heard people say that they are not willing to let go of their anger, because it is all that they have left and they cannot bear for their arms to be empty. If they’re not holding onto their anger, their self righteousness, then they might actually feel the emptiness, feel the loss, and that could be more than they can bear. And so, they maintain their anger, they feed it, they nurture it, and they direct it at the one who betrayed them, waiting for the other to return what was lost to them, or at least to see and acknowledge how much pain they are in.

After suffering a loss, our reality has changed, and we do have to begin again. After a spouse leaves us, we may seek to find a new relationship, after a physical attack, we seek to feel safe again, after an attack on our character, we may have to rebuild our reputation. After each of these betrayals, we face a new beginning. We say to forgive, we begin again in love. The implication here is that we learn to love the person who betrayed us, but I offer a different perspective. I believe that the love that needs to be present to begin again is that of self love. When your arms carry a full load of pain and anger, you are unable to embrace peace and ease of spirit. Self love helps you empty your arms so that you can replace what you’re carrying with a different future. Do you believe you deserve this new beginning? Do you love yourself enough to set down the anger and pick up peace? Do you love yourself enough to choose healing over hurt? Do you have enough self worth to forgive yourself for not letting go? Do you love yourself enough to be free?

If you’re one who has harmed another, you are most likely carrying shame, embarrassment, regret. If you’ve tried to make amends and the other person won’t hear it, or if your apology was not accepted, do you believe that you are also inherently worthy of dignity and respect? Can you love yourself enough to forgive yourself? Can self love allow you to set down your shame and pick up freedom of spirit?

Brene Brown says that people who struggle with letting go often tie their identity with external validation. I’m sure we all remember the schoolyard chant: “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” It was a classic playground comeback meant to reflect an insult back toward the bully. The question is, did you believe it then, that insults couldn’t hurt you? Do you believe it now? Or is your sense of self-worth tied to what others think of you? Do the words of others carry so much power over your sense of personal value that you tend to a list of people who you struggle to forgive?

Matthew Potts, Professor of Christian Morals at Harvard Divinity School claims that love and anger can coexist. He states, “There are lots of times I’m angry at people and I still love them, like a spouse or my children. Love can accommodate anger. Forgiveness is the most powerful act of love, so forgiveness can also accommodate anger.” I agree. I can definitely be angry with one of my kids for making a mess in the kitchen and not cleaning it up while simultaneously loving them with my whole heart. When it comes to people who I don’t love unconditionally, this gets more difficult. Although we are supposed to strive to love all people unconditionally, there is a difference between showing love through care and actually feeling love for someone. Feeling love for someone isn’t a necessary component of forgiveness. Acting out love through care is. Maintaining that the betrayer is a person with inherent worth and dignity matters. Moral philosopher and Yale professor Stephen Darwall classifies different kinds of forgiveness. He says, “Deontic forgiveness is when you no longer hold [the betrayal] against the person… but you don’t have to let them in your heart.” This action is in fact a certain form of grace and an act of love that can still be accomplished even while remaining angry. This is what psychiatrist Dr. David Puder calls “decisional forgiveness,” which is something we can all practice, even if we don’t feel it is deserved in our hearts. However, “moral love” isn’t the same as “emotional forgiveness,” in which we actually let go of the anger and embrace healthier emotions.

Studies have shown that holding onto anger can have negative physical effects, including chronic pain, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Emotional forgiveness, which is a letting go of negative emotions associated with the betrayal may take time and practice. Dr. Puder recommends practicing it daily as needed by reciting the words, “I’m entitled to be angry, but I’m choosing to forgive.” He also points out the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, which requires apologies and true signs of remorse in order to rebuild a relationship. Forgiveness, however, is not dependent on reconciliation and can be done as a solo act. Reconciliation may or may not follow depending on whether both parties are willing to rebuild trust.

One of the forgiveness practices I lead is a guided meditation called the “Forgiveness Fly-by,” which I attribute to Chaplain Terri Daniel. It goes something like this: Close your eyes and imagine the person who has wronged you. Picture them wherever they are now. If you aren’t sure where they are, use your best guess. They could be having brunch in their kitchen, sleeping in, sitting in church, at work, in jail… Wherever they are, picture them clearly in their surroundings. Now, with the ease of a bird, take flight from this amphitheater and fly toward them. Imagine the distance between you and them shortening as you fly past trees, streets, rivers, even an ocean if you need to. You can fly as fast as needed to get to them. When you are close, slow down and watch them in the distance in their environment. They don’t see you. They’re focused on whatever they’re doing. Now, in your mind I want you to imagine looking at them and saying the words, “I release you.” In your mind I want you to say that three times. “I release you. I release you. I release you.” And now when you’re ready, fly back here. Watch the other person recede into the distance until they are a tiny speck on the horizon. As they disappear, turn your attention to the rivers and the trees that you pass on your way back to where you’re sitting in this amphitheater. And now you’re here, back among those of our beloved community. You’ve released the other and all the negative emotions that you associate with them and you are ready to embrace a new beginning. What will you decide to pick up into your arms? Peace? Joy? Ease of spirit?

You can also use the Forgiveness Fly-by to offer an apology to someone. Instead of saying, “I release you” three times, you can say, “I’m sorry.” This practice of self love, of release, of forgiveness, can be done anytime no matter where you are and is particularly helpful when you can’t physically communicate with the other person. It is through this repeated practice over time, that we step closer to freedom of spirit.

Rev. Gretchen Haley, Minister at Foothills Unitarian Church in Colorado, states, “Our covenantal theology doesn’t just say that we become human through our promising, but also when we break those promises, and yet somehow find ways to reconnect and begin again – when we repair the relationship because we know we need each other, even when we think the other isn’t doing enough, even when the other is annoying us, or isn’t listening well, or isn’t doing things the way we want them done – even then. When we realize right then that we are still connected, and we can’t give up – and so we return, and begin again. This beginning again, says our faith, is when the holy and the human meet.”

It is possible to begin again with each other. It is even more possible to begin again with ourselves. Healing starts when we are brave enough to open our arms and embrace a new beginning, when we hold ourselves with love and compassion. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the BBC show Call the Midwife…

“Invisible wounds are the hardest to heal for their closure depends on the love of others, on patience, understanding, and the tender gift of time.”

May we continue to open our hearts toward forgiveness, toward healing, and toward the new beginning that love offers.

May it be so.

M E G I L L M U S I C

Forgiveness: Beginning Again in Love

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